The church needs to understand this grief. We must understand in order to care for parents and families who are walking this hard road as well as for the children who are wandering. We need to understand in order to love well and pray well.
Losing a child is a terrible thing. It strikes at the heart of a family, permanently reshaping it. Death because of disease or accident is heartbreaking for the parents who are left behind, grieving the loss of the child and also the loss of the future joys and hopes that the child represented—all the teaching and love and bonds that never came to full fruition. It is jarring for a parent to bury a son or daughter—against the natural order even in a cursed world. We recognize this, and so every culture has set up ceremonies and customs to grieve, support, and comfort.
But there is more than one way to lose a child. Parents who have lost a child to the world face different challenges. They not only grieve loss but also grieve unrepentant sin and ensuing damage. They have had joys and hopes crushed through willful hurt and deliberate rejection. They have taught and loved and forged bonds, only to have it thrown back in their faces. There is no protocol for parents to use when facing this grief, no ceremony that brings closure. The grief is often complicated by the fact that they are often trying to protect the child from gossip or publicity, that the struggles and grief are caused by sin, and that there are no recognized means for a community to acknowledge this sorrow. There can also be varying opinions on the cause of rebellion—parents can carry a burden of guilt along with the load of grief.
The church needs to understand this grief. We must understand in order to care for parents and families who are walking this hard road as well as for the children who are wandering. We need to understand in order to love well and pray well.
To try to facilitate discussion and thought on this, I sent a list of questions to parents who have lost children to the world. That loss could look like anything from addictions to violence to prison to a hard and polished intellectualism. Although the parents come from different countries and cultures, have different family sizes, parenting styles, ages, and marriage situations, these fathers and mothers are all seeking to honor the Lord as they grieve. They graciously and anonymously offer their experiences as a window into this loss. Our hope is that this honesty creates openness for suffering families and compassion for the children whom they still love dearly.
Helpful Words
Unlike the announcement of a death, which is public, news of a child’s rebellion is often given privately. This means that there is usually an immediate and personal response. It can go either way: hurtful or helpful. I asked parents, “When people heard that your child was struggling, what is something that someone said to you that ministered to you?” A theme that stood out in the answers was prayer. “We had a few amazing people surrounding us,” one couple said, “and the best thing that they did was asked how they could pray for and with us. The prayers of the saints surrounding us is so important and amazing.” It is not a complex thing, and it brings such comfort: “People remembering our daughter and telling us that they pray for her frequently, is a blessing.” One father wrote, “As our son left the faith and entered into the dangerous world of substance abuse that threatened his life, one older godly woman (who continues to pray for him daily) said, ‘Where there’s life, there’s hope.’ ”
The other encouraging response that grieving parents often received was the reminder of God’s promises. “[Some people] encouraged us to not forget the covenant promises of God (such as Ps. 103:8–10, 17–18; Ezek. 34:15–16) or the story of the prodigal son,” said a mother. Another wrote:
Very early on, when I felt such dismay at our son’s choices and my heart was breaking, my brother reminded me of God’s repeated mercy to Israel over their disobedience and rebellion. Hosea 11:8–9 in particular expresses the heart of our covenant-keeping God: “My people are bent on backsliding from Me. Though they call to the Most High, none at all exalts Him.” And then Jehovah’s response: “How can I give you up, O Ephraim? How can I hand you over, Israel? . . . My heart churns within Me; My sympathy is stirred. I will not execute the fierceness of My anger; I will not again destroy Ephraim. For I am God, and not man, The Holy One is in your midst; And I will not come in terror.” Many reminded me of Scripture promises and that God hears prayer.
There is also the fellowship of suffering. Parents with a straying child need to know that they are not the only ones in this situation. As one of the survey respondents wrote:
People who shared a similar issue regarding their child and have come through the situation where their prayers were answered in bringing that child back to Christ and the gospel were wonderful glimpses of hope! The stories shared caused us to learn more about other’s struggles that we did not know about. We did not feel as alone in our suffering.
Loving Actions
In addition to verbal encouragement, there were specific actions—loving deeds—that encouraged grieving parents. While these deeds varied depending on life circumstances, they all communicated the love and care that suffering people need.
Listening and praying are ubiquitous in the stories:
- “One close friend outside our congregation came alongside, hugged, listened to, wept, and prayed with us. Unlike comments that others made that questioned what we had done wrong in our parenting, she did not condemn but sympathized with us.”
- “The prayer, the support, the visits, the encouragement [were helpful actions].”
- “People let us know that they felt the pain of the struggle and continued to ask how things were. We appreciated that their interest was genuine, not gossipy. They let us know that we were loved, regardless of our situation.”
- One mother found a support group: “The single most helpful thing has been getting together weekly with a small group of women over the past four years specifically to pray for our children and grandchildren. We start each meeting by focusing on a characteristic of God, reading together many Scriptures that expand on it, then praying for that individual child’s needs with a selected verse as a guide. It is also a great opportunity to share how God is answering our prayers.”
- “In the midst of my pain and finding out new information about my adult daughter, I texted a couple friends just to let them know the update. Later that day I was mowing the back lawn as my husband was out of town. I was so distraught. Something caught my eye while mowing—it was those two friends standing there on the other side of the gate with a treat. These ladies have young children, things to do—I was so surprised and so comforted at the same time! We sat on the deck, enjoyed what they brought, and they listened and prayed for me. I will never forget that day.”
- “My husband received a long tear-filled voicemail from an elder in our church, after we sent out an email to the elders sharing the news of our wayward adult child. It was so encouraging to have him share in our brokenness and make us feel that we were not carrying the pain alone. My husband still has it saved in his phone from over three years ago, and he deletes everything.”
- One woman texted the specific, lengthy prayer that she was praying for a friend’s wayward daughter—something that the mother read many times as an encouragement.